castle_planet_adventure_turkeyfandomcom-20200214-history
Egdard the Occasional
"Man, this Egdard guy... Wow. It's like, he knows all this stuff, but I'll probably never meet him. He's royal. I bet everyone feels this way, but it sort of reminds me of when I find an artifact in the ground, or some bones,and I'm like, 'Man, I'm late to the party.'" :: -Anonymous Egdard the Occasional (sometimes known as Egdard the Enigma or Egdard the Ancient) is an on-again-off-again ruler of the kingdoms who comes and goes seemingly at will throughout history. He is estimated to be approximately 7280 years old, and has served as king on 5 distinct occasions, each lasting only 22 days. Though he is physically absent for the 50 or so years between each reign, the history of the land continues to resonate with echoes of his actions for decades after each appearance. Many people believe that Egdard's influence over the kingdom predates his first appearance by several centuries. Egdard was known to make references to events and persons from antiquity including Orag the Betrayer, to whom he referred to "My buddy Orag from back in the day in Wedyon Town". One of the many expeditions enacted by Egdard was instructed to excivate the area that consealed the well in which the Chronicles of Orag were enscribed. The well was dated to approximately -100 RV, and make mention of an "Egdard the Abrupt", who is presumed to be the same man. How far back in history the influence of Egdard goes is anyones guess. Egdard's reins # Egdard's first rein began in 183 RV. Unlike his later reigns, Egdard employed a long campaign of legal and public lobbying to wrestle the throne from the king at the time, the very unpopular Eric the Ashen. His machinations were more than up to the task, but took several months to fully play out. His first decree upon taking office (mere seconds after the ceremony) was to establish an arround-the-clock team of scribes and lawyers to be with him at all times such that at any hour of the day he had no less than fourty persons on hand. They worked in shifts to record the kings relentles torrent of legaleese. Most of the twelve thousand or more decrees were locked away "for future use". The true nature of many are still not known today. The decrees which took effect during his short 22-day reign are now thought to be mostly smoke screens and misdirection to conceal the true nature of his intentions, which continue to unfold during his absence. The short term decrees all apprently all concerned themselves with triviasl minutae such as the preferred color of socks to be worn by the castle guard, or the various species of birds which are permissable in the king's chambers. Many of these have been repealed by later rulers, but some persist in the form of traditions. This is actually the origin of the custom of eating nothing but pie on the last day of autumn. # Egdard returned, unheralded, in 232 RV. History does not record his means of arrival, but states that he simply "was in the king's chambers" much to the chagrin of the current king William the Mumbler. William began to object quietly to the guards, but his protestations were cut short when a chariot arrived unbidden to take william on "his previously scheduled vacation to the kingdom of moist soil". William had not scheduled the vacation himself, but Egdard's decrees from his previous reign had ordered William's belongings to be packed (mentioing him by name), had the chariot summoned, booked logding, accounted for Williams guards to accompany him, and had provided for several buxom maidens waiting in the chariot calling him by name. William did not protest, and was seemingly unaware that he had been ousted. Decrees from Egdard's first reign also provided for the reconveining of a similar council of scribes and lawyers and scolars to accompany Egdard continuoisly. Egdard picked up almost exactly where he had left off, issuing another eighteen thousand decrees in this second 22 day period. On the 22nd day, he abdicated the throne back to Wiliam, who was just returning from his vacation, well rested and happy. To william's dismay, nearely all of Egdard's decrees which had been overturned in the previous 50 years had been reinstated, with many more new ones added. William spent much of his remaining years picking up the pieces. #Egdard's third return in 285 RV was the least disruptive of his appearances, and occured quietly between two other king's reins. The incoming king Oscar the Offset simply had made a error in scheduling and was 22 days late to assume control from Leon the 89th. The scheduling error persisted throuought his entire rein causing him to be 22 days late to all subsequent events. It is widely accepted that this shift is a result of one of Egdard's many decrees, though this has not been proven. In the period between the two kings, Egdard appeared, and with his typical pre-arranged entorage, produced another alotment of degrees, and then left quietly passing Oscar in the foyer and giving the bewildered new king a high five on the way out. Notable decrees (in no particular order) *The self-funded meta-shifting of Red March Castle. One particularly enigmatic decree was the one that lead to a decree which lead to the shifting of Red March Castle. The decree was essentially a set of rules for constructing a sub-decree from current events from the time it was set to go into effect, about eight years after its creation in Egdard's second visit. The meta-decree constructed the sub-decree syllable by syllable from impossibly obscure and trivial events. For example, the first few instructions required (a) the middle sylable of the last name of the mother of the man that most recently passed money to the scribe tasked with unsealing the decree, (b) the only sylable of the current hour of the day, and © the first syllable spoken by the next person to sneeze. Nobody beleived that following the instructions would produce anything sensible, but it sounded like a fun way to spend an evening. And besides, the meta-decree also detailed the exact punishments for not following through, and nobody wanted to risk it. Three scribes decided to get a few drinks and follow the instructions of the meta decree at the local bar. At first, it was a good laugh, but the laughter turned to sober interest when the decree called for a syllable from "the tattoo on the barmaid's left hand who brought the first beer of the evening". The barmaid did have such a tatoo. The three men continued to follow the instructions, however, the syllables they were collecting were nonsensical. The final instruction of the meta-decree revealed the truth by instructing them to read ther sylables running vertically down the page instead of horizontally. Of course, the flow of the page depended on the width of the paper, and the size of the text, and countless other factors that Egdard could not possibly have known eight years ago. But, when read in this manner, the syllables combined to produce a perfectly cogent and flawless set of instructions. The most senior of the threee scribes, Simon of the Book, read the finished sub-decree out loud in a shaky voice that became more and more awestruck after each word formed in his mouth. He read aloud: "It is absolutely imperative that we three now embark on a mission of vital importance. I will lead this task. We must collect three hundred seventy two sturdy laborers to move the Red March Castle from its current loaction. The new location shall be one hundred fifty paces due west of where it currently rests. The paces shall be those of me, Simon of the Book, when striding normally over open ground. We shall do this thing, and together the three of us shall avert a great disaster. It will save many lives, and the endevor will be funded ten-fold within two weeks after its completion. We begin tomorrow, but for now, the next round round is on me, gentlemen. I have five golden leons adhered to the underside of my seat." The golden leons were in fact under the seat, and the three men, dumbstruck, ordered one more round, and drank in silence. The three men measured the new location, hired the labororers, and succeeded in shifting the castle to its new location stone by stone in a mere fourty days. Two weeks later a large meteor fell from the sky, and crashed into the ground in the exact position where the castle formerly stood. The blast threw shrapnel and debris approximately 120 eroquet away, stopping just short of the castle's outer walls. It was completely unharmed, and nobody was injured. Upon inspection of the crash site, Simon found that the meteor had broken through into an underground cavern encrusted with rare gems. When apraised, it was discovered that the gems were worth 10x the cost to move the castle.. exactly, down to the very last centi-leon. * The extremely abnormal decree managing the extremely normal day to day events. Ever since Egdard's first rein, the normal routine of managing the kingdom's minutae have been handled by this very strangely penned decree. The subject of the decree concerns itself with trivial matters like funding the various services and departments, describing the structure and function of the kingdoms beaurocracies, and minor general upkeep and policies. But, in every other way, the decree is far from normal. First, it is one of the rare decrees that is penned in Egdard's own hand. Second, at the bottom of each page, the phrase "Re-read as needed" appears. But by far, the most shocking and inexplicable feature is the strange ink in which it is written. The ink is iradescent and appears to shimmer and undulate as the angle and quality of the light falling on the page changes. And, depending on the current conditions of the kingdom, the specific details outlined in the decree adjust themselves to compensate to keep the details of the kingdom running appropriately. For example, when read in times of food shortage, the decree accounts for funding of farming, agriculture and irrigation, and makes provisions for trade subsidies with nearby communities. In times when the kingdom is well funded, it provides many opportunities for tax breaks. When read in times of disease, it outlines practices that reduce infection rates, such as limiting unnescesecary travel, quarentine procedures, and basic hygene. In wartime it funds the armies, in peacetime it funds the philosophers, in winter it funds the distribution of firewood, when peaches are in season, it even contains a recipee for Royal Peach Pie. When circumstances change, the text of the document changes with them. When an advisor comments that the banking policies are antiquated or functioning poorly, they need only reread the relevant sections of the decree, and find that the required new policies are there, waiting only to be implemented. How this miraculous text acomplishes this task is a complete mystery, but most scholars suspect that it is a form of highly perfected alchemy.